I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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