omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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