Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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