im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
God, I missed his penis.
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