Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
