Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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