I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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