I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
