Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
