I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
