i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
