First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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