My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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