I can tuck mytits in my pants
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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