my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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