i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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