Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
