I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
