Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
