ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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