i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
