I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
