ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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