she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
