I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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