There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
