The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
