I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
