Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
and you fell through a lawn chair
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
