I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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