Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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