dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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