Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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