What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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