it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
