um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
