I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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