Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize