first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
