this beer tastes like vomit already
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
