Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
