Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
