you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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