Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
