I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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