i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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