it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
