Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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