addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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