Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
