we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
