Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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