mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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