I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
