what day is it and did you see me today?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
