it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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