I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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