I could make wine with my vomit
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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