The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize